Monday mix

weatherWell, it was slow getting started but the summer heat has arrived in Texas. Look at that 10-day forecast. Still, only three in a row at the 100+ mark, we’re not at the worst of it by any means.

Today I am kind of scattered and off-kilter. Partly it’s due to some tension with someone in my life and partly it’s due to my need to be home for a while, pulled in and tending to myself and my own life. I imagine most people are like me in this general way: we slowly stop doing the things we need to do and then that picks up a certain kind of momentum until we’re just way off track. We skip one day of exercising, then two. We just have ice cream tonight for a treat, then the next day it’s cake. We let a piece of business slide, we don’t open that mail, and then we feel kind of anxious about even looking at it.

This is one of the small-potatoes strangest things about being a person — really, small potatoes, not a big deal, but strange. Even as I know, I really do, I know that if I’d just do that thing I’d feel amazing, I’d be right back on track, I’ll end up feeling so whatever (strong, together, on top of things), I struggle to make myself do it. I have a very easy little log system for my income and expenses. In one of those cheap little notebooks with a hard cover, I use a 2-page spread: on the right side, a simple list of my recurring expenses (rent, electricity, gas, cable, etc) and on the left side, a simple listing of my income. At the end of the month, I total both, and I keep a running total of year-to-date income. I can see at a glance how everything is going. Its brilliance is its simplicity. If I have a month where I don’t make as much money as I need, I can quickly see that I’m still way ahead of where I need to be because earlier months were so good. Or whatever. The problem is that in May, when I went to Indonesia, of course I didn’t make any money. No problem, really, because I’d made so much in the first few months, I was going to be just  fine. I knew it when I left, I know it now. But I haven’t recorded anything in my little book since before I left, and now June is almost over. I know that if I’d just make myself sit down and catch up, I’d be relieved, but somehow having to look at that one month with zero income — in black and white — is scaring me. People are so funny. Fear is such a powerful emotion.

I have a few tabs I haven’t been able to close, haven’t yet had time to read, so I’ll put them here in case any are interesting to you, and so I can find them later!

Happy first-week-of-summer, y’all. Stay cool –

4 thoughts on “Monday mix

  1. I know exactly. exactly how you feel. Although I am not quite as hot. I am so glad to know you keep your important stuff in a cheap little notebook with a hard cover. Hooray for paper and pencils! Feel better. xoxo

    1. Yeah — it’s the paper and pen aspect that makes my little system work. I used to make all kinds of schemes, often involving an Excel spreadsheet with columns summed and cross-summed, spreadsheets interlinked, the whole thing updating magically with one keystroke…..and I’d do it for about a week. Katie showed me this way and except for this temporary pothole I’ve hit, it’s amazing. I keep it up, I love it, it’s great. I have to actually add things myself! Write things in each month, even though they recur. I don’t know why, but it’s just wonderful. I can’t wait to get back to it, to getting over the hump.

      But isn’t it just the worst, stopping yourself like this? And so silly, to boot.

  2. It IS silly but sometimes the fog rolls in for me and I can’t get one damn thing done. Sigh. It’s been that way my whole life and I wish I could get some kind of handle on it before I die. It’s a hard one and I feel so much empathy for you. My hubby and I always have discussions about computer vs paper and pencil me being the pencil advocate. I have kept notebook after notebook during the years and they haven’t been eaten by some random computer virus. Besides….there is no doodling on Excel. I kept 20 years of wedding sewing business in notebooks and on index cards and it served me well. So…get on with your bad self and that notebook. I love it. xoxo

    1. I did it! And it’s just as I knew it would be — absolutely fine, nothing scary there. Good grief. I’m with you, hoping to get some handle on this before I die. If either of us figures it out, we’ll tell the other. Promise. :)
      xoxo

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