to be honest

To be honest, I have drunk too much beer.

To be honest, for too many days now I have drunk too much beer.

To be honest, I am lost, floundering, devastated, frightened.

To be honest, my life is a mess (but it is not just a mess). To be honest, the world is a mess (it feels like it is just a mess).

Where will I live? How will I live? I make too little money and I can’t keep going in the life I have. I am lucky — I have people, I have options, I have choices, but I have no power because I have no money. Tom and Marnie invite me to Chicago. Katie would like it if I could stay in Austin. Back to NYC is perhaps an option. I am become Blanche duBois.

I’m reading a book called Utopia for Realists and can recommend it, so far. While our country is veered so far off the rails, and we are left to think about how to manage the reboot, books like this are helpful food for thought. What we had wasn’t working, clearly, or else an insane person wouldn’t have captured as many votes as he did. While I do not live in abject poverty, I’m on the margins of things in a way that leaves me scared a lot of the time.

Between the frightening government, and my own very precarious situation and impending change in living arrangements — but with no idea what that might be — I am having a hard time keeping my head in the moment. Such a hard time. (A small mercy: I am not depressed, nor am I having even fleeting thoughts of the permanent check-out. It hasn’t crossed my mind, but it did just cross my mind to offer the reassurance.)

Maybe one solution is to take a little sabbatical from the outer world and just be quiet with myself. Just take care of myself, a bit of home spa, a bit of home yoga retreat, a bit of home poetry and literature, a bit of home food (careful food, good food, nourishing food), a bit of hydration and rejuvenation. Not worry, for just a few days, about all the starving people in the world, all those fleeing war, all the meanness of governments. Just for a few days.

If you happen to notice that I’m not present on FB or IG, and I am quiet for a week(-ish) here, that’s why. See you on the other side of my sabbatical. xoxoxox


8 thoughts on “to be honest”

  1. Oh yes, do take a break and move away from the news, social media, and all things sad/horrible/depressing/toxic. My new Kindle has helped me A LOT lately — it’s so much easier to detach myself from Facebook/Twitter because I always prefer to play with my new toy. 🙂 And I try not to read anything too heavy or political. I wish my place were bigger… had an extra room… as I’d invite you over in a flash. I used to have a nice big flat but 2011 changed all that. I know how it is to be financially challenged, living from paycheque to paycheque, and nowadays, at 66, with a meagre pension every month. But hey… I’M ALIVE. That’s what I make myself remember, though sometimes it can be tough. O the demons, they do fuck with our minds, don’t they?!! HA! I will now light a candle for you, ma belle amie Lori, and keep you even closer to my heart while you figure things out, till you know what your next move will be. Bliss-bombing you with LOVE LOVE LOVE xox

    1. Oh Mudd. You are so dear. Thank you, ma belle amie, for all the love and understanding in this comment. Not having enough money is so wearing, exhausting, frazzling. The demons certainly do fuck with our minds, and since we are the demons ourselves, we know right where to poke for maximum effect. UGH. I am so grateful for the candle, and for being held closer than usual. Lucky, lucky me, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. LOVE you Mudd. xoxox

    1. I’m just hoping this stepping-off-the-earth will restore me to myself a little bit. I know it’ll all still be there when I return. BUMMER. xoxo

  2. I can’t stand the thought of someone I love so deeply and totally suffering. You forever have my love and my prayers (that don’t seem to be having much of an effect lately on anything) and anything else in this world that I am capable of doing for you. There will be a good answer; I hope that it will be a quick one. You are so rich in those who love you – if only that would translate into dollars. I selfishly want you to stay in Texas. I love you more than the big wide world and I know that there will be relief for you. xoxoxo

    1. Ah, Dixie, I sure hope you’re right. I hope there will be a good and quick answer. I hope there will be relief — something about your saying “I know that there will be relief for you” gave me a breath of ease. I’m going to try to rest in that belief, somehow it’s going to be OK, somehow there will be relief and it will be OK. If only love translated into dollars…….I know I’m rich in love and in people, I do know that. I love you so dearly. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  3. Everyone needs a break once in awhile. Take one. Enjoy yourself. Stop worrying just for the time being. I have lived in a world where the money didn’t stretch the whole week and it’s not fun. It’s exhausting and spiritually draining. It’s hard right now to see and hear the news from DC so don’t. Facebook is also wearing and some days I don’t even check in. Please….take care of your lovely self. Love you to pieces…..xoxoxox

    1. Yeah — it’s the no-money/no-power part that’s just as terrible as the world, and we both know how awful the world is! Staying off the Internet helps that part, but not the other. I’m lucky to have a bunch of possibilities, and when I see Marc next we’re going to talk about what to do (and believe me, that conversation feels scary in every way), but at least my back isn’t against the wall with homelessness looming. I’ve been there, and I’m certainly not there now. But it really is exhausting and draining to have way too little money.

      As much as staying offline, my mission for the next few days is to pamper myself and just focus on helping and caring for ME. I’m trying to pretend that I’m one of my daughters, so I can do for me what I’d do for them if they were feeling this terrible and I couldn’t solve their problems…what else would I do? So that’s my mission. All the loves to you, my wonderful, lovely friend. xoxox

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