wide-eyed and laughing

This morning at 9am I woke up with a huge smile on my face.

There’s something bizarrely wrong with my sleep — as in, I cannot do it. Last night I fell asleep at 3 and woke up at 4:45, so wide awake I seriously considered getting up. I have a lot of work to do today, why not get an early start. But I stayed in bed to keep trying, and finally fell asleep again at 6:15, only to have my alarm clock go off at 7. I must have accidentally hit the on button at some point yesterday. GRRRR could I go back go sleep? I did, around 8, and from 8 to 9 I had the most delicious and hilarious dream.

my guy
my guy

I was at some party at a HUGE huge huge mansion, and I didn’t seem to know anyone. But I was game, walking around the grounds, snagging a flute of champagne from passing tuxedo-clad waiters (stereotypes, anyone?), when I saw him. And he saw me.

We drifted toward each other and it was electric, oh, I knew he felt it too. We talked a little while, he got pulled away, I had no idea how old he was, he looked so very young, while I was/am 54. But who cares, the heart wants what it wants, right? As soon as he could, he came back to talk to me, and we walked around together. Moved our heads toward each other, grazing our hair together. I had fallen so hard in love with Jesse Eisenberg — but the guy I was with was just playing young Jesse Eisenberg. The ‘real’ Jesse Eisenberg was my age, and it was going to be OK. I was trying to figure out how old he was (the one playing the real one), and I thought I knew but then he told me he’d taken an advanced stats class in graduate school with Gauss (a very-long-dead famous statistician), and I’d taken a class with Gauss too, so he was at least old enough to have completed graduate school. But I didn’t care how old the young-one-playing-the-real-one was, we were so in love. It would be a scandal, we both knew it, and his parents would disown him and send him away with no money, but we didn’t care. We were in love!

And so, at 9am after an hour’s sleep, I woke up laughing. I jumped out of bed and hit the shower, laughing. I always play music loud enough that I can hear it over the shower, and this morning I sang along, loudly. I walked into my kitchen, towel drying my hair, and said “Hello, birds!” and they flew away but they came back. With a goldfinch, this morning. And I laughed.

I haven’t dreamed in so long, except for a couple of nightmares one night (one of which involved a dead bird), probably because I just haven’t been sleeping. I’ll get less than 2 hours, then a couple of hours of waiting for 1-2 more hours of sleep. And nothing is making me sleep. I’ve tried all the prescription sleep drugs, I’ve tried off-label drugs that always make people sleep (a very old school antidepressant that was retired from that use because it just made everyone fall right to sleep and stay asleep for hours (but not me!) and a drug that’s often used as an adjunct to antidepressants that has reliably zonked me into a coma (but not now)). Exercise, nope. Nothing is making me sleep, and it’s unnatural and having a bad effect, obviously. Last night in the middle of the night I was on my phone looking up grief counselors because it seems pretty obvious that I need some help, as my daughters also gently told me yesterday. I’ll see what I can do about that on Monday.

* * *

And here are some links I can’t seem to close (and such a telling reflection of the tenor of my week!), maybe one will be interesting to you!

So have a good Saturday, y’all, whether you’re buried in snow or not. xo

good thing of the day: sleep! If you can do it, count your lucky stars.

6 thoughts on “wide-eyed and laughing”

  1. Well….no sleep is no good for anyone but that dream almost made it worth it. Hilarious! You and Jessie, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…..Maybe go get a good massage. Sometimes that works for me. Take care xoxo

    1. A massage, that would help on all sorts of levels, including my back which I somehow screwed up by SQUATTING DOWN AT THE STORE. Seriously. 🙂 Me and Jesse, I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again. hahaha….. xoxoxo

  2. What a fun FUN blog!!!
    Can I have your dream please?!!!
    (Have you tried chlonazepam?) (It isn’t usually used for sleep, but it does for me – fab!)

    Is there a like button on your blog?

    1. It made me smile and feel happy too — both the dream, the writing of it, and just the joy of feeling happy, never to be taken for granted. I have tried chlonazepam, and it does absolutely nothing. Nothing’s doing nothing for me right now. Maybe grief counseling will do the trick. It sure can’t hurt.

      So glad I made you happy today. 🙂

  3. A grief counselor sounds like a very good idea, but I wonder if being seen at a sleep clinic might also be helpful. Your grief is, no doubt, making your sleep problems worse, but your sleep problems preceded your descent into your Year From Hell. (At least that is what I have gathered from reading your blog.) It seems to me that you are dealing with two problems, with one exacerbating the other. But hey, I might be completely wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. 🙂

    1. oh, you’re absolutely right! since i had to quit taking estrogen (after having taken it for 25(!) years), i became unable to sleep through the night. i’d go to sleep easily, but wake up at 1 and be awake for hours. now i can’t do either one. but you know, i hadn’t thought about going to a sleep clinic because i just assumed there’s nothing to be done about it, it’s hormonal old lady stuff. i just looked up sleep clinics in austin and explored them a bit — it appears i have chronic insomnia, and the remedies seem to be behavioral things i already do. 🙁 AND they say that depression can produce insomnia, while it seems to me that arrow goes both ways. still, this is bad business and i’ve got to try everything. i’ll look into it further, thank you for the recommendation!

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